I have suddenly had the biggest urge to write. No, I don’t
want to write about clothes or make-up or anything of materialistic sorts. I
just want to write about me – All about me and what I’ve been up to. This is
the time where a blogger would tell you to sit down, grab a coffee and a couple
of biscuits as its gon’ be a long ride. However, I doubt it is even necessary
for me to say that because who is gonna be sat reading this? I’ve been gone for
so long and no, I am not opening this post with any promises of writing weekly
or even monthly. Let’s just face facts – You may never hear off me again. I may
simple vanish off the face of the earth and then holllllllla – It’s my 90th
birthday bitches.
I have so much to tell you. Oh so much to talk about and
without any doubt I will miss things off because I’m not writing a list or
structuring this post; I’m going with the flow (kinda my mantra at the moment).
Anyway, I guess it’s best to start off with where I’ve been and why my posts got
so pathetically absent.
In October (last year) – I got made homeless. At the time, I
was eighteen years old and it was the third time I have been made homeless. I’m
sorry, can I hear a round of applause? I think it’s fucking fantastic. Homeless
for the third time, WOOOOOO. What a bloody achievement, ay ay? Am I right, am I
right? Of course, I’m right. You don’t get this kind of wisdom without being
homeless for at least three times. It’s okay, if you’re jealous you can go
right ahead and live in a cardboard box. I dare you. Right, back to my
interesting story of homelessness. Of course, it was quite traumatic having to
pack all of my belongings up into carrier bags but mostly, intensely mortifying
(ugh). The weeks that followed consisted of sofa surfing and living out of a
suitcase with clothes covered in cat shit and piss (yum). Honestly, if you’re
running low on perfume, I would recommend getting some cats. There is nothing
quite like the scent of cat urine. This homelessness went on for the space of a
month and after three weeks I got so fucking mentally drained that I went to
the doctors to be signed off work, I must mention that I categorically told him
to not give me any pills of any sort (unless they were herbal lol). However, he
insisted on giving me a prescription consisting of 14 diazepam’s. I sat there
solemnly nodding my head (in the background you could just about hear violins
playing) but, in my head I was just thinking “Mate, you should not give me
these tablets”. Upon my last shift at work, I hid by my locker and literally
just took all of the tablets (Please may I stress, I did not do this in a
suicidal manor). I was just at a point in my life where I did not give a shit
about anything and thought that it would be funny to see how fucked up I could
get at work. There’s not much that I can really remember about that shift (I
guess that’s the point) and I guess I was just very slow and tired. At this
point I had nowhere to sofa surf and so the council put me up in a premier inn
for a week. This was a very strange and almost unconscious week of my life. I
was obviously signed off work so I spent my days just sat in a hotel room (I
also wrote a lot). I had barley any money and so I wasn’t really eating – I was
too anxious to leave the hotel room in the day time and so I would wait until
it got dark at night and rush off to Tesco express and buy a meal deal (hahah).
It’s literally just hit me in the face how hard of a time that must have been
for me and I am so proud of myself for being strong and getting through it. I
am also aware that there are A LOT of people worse off than me (people on the
streets, people with no food etc) and so, I am still eternally grateful for
this life that I have been blessed with. That week in the hotel room also did
me the world of good for it was spent with me sleeping all day and reconnecting
with my soul and also, facing my problems head on.
Halloween came which also meant payday and I managed to put
a deposit down and pay the first month’s rent for a room in a house. This was
such a huge achievement for me and again, I didn’t realise at the time just how
strong and resilient I had been. The funny ending to this part of my story is
that I had no one to help me move all of my stuff and so, I literally moved
house in a taxi and it was fucking hilarious. I had two massive suitcases, two
medium sized ones and a few bags (hahah, it still makes me smile to think of
it). The taxi man turned up looking kind of pissed off but, I literally didn’t
care. I sat there and kind of just looked out of the window and laughed about
the fact that I was moving house in a taxi.
Since moving five months ago – A lot has happened. I guess
that you could say I’ve begun the next chapter of my journey and it feels
amazing. I have had a lot of highs and a lot of lows but, it is all part of the
learning process to mould myself into the best version of myself that I can be.
(I’m gonna go for a bath now but, I will be back soon).
I’m back. World announcement. Breaking news. Chloe is back
from her bath!!
Okay, what I was saying is that I’ve had a lot of ups and
downs these past five months. Nothing dramatic has particularly happened in my
life during this time but, I think a lot of past emotions and events have
unearthed themselves and have been brought to my consciousness. I wouldn’t say
that this is a bad thing, I think that this is my bodies way of telling me
“Okay, you’re strong enough to deal with this now”. Dealing with emotions is
difficult for everybody, it’s a process of questioning yourself and answering
yourself until you eventually figure things out. I don’t know why I’m finding
this part so difficult to word – I think it might be because I’m listening to
drum and bass and so I’m getting easily distracted haha.
I will try and talk about some of the easy stuff.
I turned nineteen this year and there is a deep part of me
that is terrified about that but, at the same time I am just trying to accept
it. The truth is that I don’t enjoy my birthdays – I never have. I can remember
turning thirteen and crying (a reoccurring event on most birthdays). I don’t
like the symbol of being a year older, I don’t like the idea that I am never
going to be a certain age again (a lot of people probably feel like this). This
is something that I really am trying to get over because I know that worrying
about growing older just results in me not being in the present moment of being
the age that I am now and living in that bliss.
Right, I am getting way too distracted by music so, I’m
gonna come back and chat soon.
Hey, hey, hey – It’s three days later and I’m currently sat
at the table in my moms house (a huge thing because we haven’t seen/spoken to
each other in two years). This house is so nice, man. Its open plan with twirly
metal stairs and a pointed roof that points into a window (I think it’s called
a sun roof). I’m sat with candles burning around me, a few lamps are on and I’m
listening to piano instrumentals. It’s amazing how a piece of music that has no
words can hit you so deeply in the soul. I guess a sound can really scream out
in sadness and wallow in pain. A sound can also screech in happiness and giggle
along to the rhythms of your shaking laughing body. Music is fucking
incredible. I love it.
Anyway, I’m going to try and get this post finished up and
talk about some of the things that I’ve actually got up to this year.
In the space of three months I have had so many incredible
experiences, I’ve been at the height of euphoria and the depths of depression
due to serotonin being leached from my bones. I have seen colours that I
haven’t seen before, I’ve seen things move that have never moved before. I’ve
entered different dimensions and been on journeys through this spectacular
universe. This planet puts me into a complete state of trance. The place we
live is incredible. WE LIVE IN SPACE. We think we understand stuff just because
we know that we need water, oxygen and food to survive but the fact of the
matter is we know nothing. We know nothing!! There is something about that,
that I find oddly satisfying. Our whole perception of reality is literally down
to the consciousness of our minds and if that doesn’t scare you then you must
be fearless because yes, it terrifies me but, it also fulfils me.
Other things that have happened is that I’ve turned vegan –
It’s only been a few months but, I feel so empowered by it. I want to be the
upmost compassionate and soft souled being that I have the capability to be and
I know that if I’m going to do that then I cannot use my money to fund animal
cruelty. I find it barbaric and unnecessary. I’m not trying to be a preacher
and I honestly do not look down on anyone that eats meat as that is also part
of me trying to be a compassionate person that respects everyone’s views and
ways of life. I would never want to make a person feel bad for who they are.
I can’t concentrate right now because my little brother is
sat next to me dipping pitta bread into hummus and asking me “Are you an
author? You look like an author”. Chow belllllla.
I have also been doing A LOT of yoga and I’m really getting
into the swing of it now. I understand how truly beautiful it is to connect
with your breath and your body within a practice. The one thing that I love
doing the most is wearing just underwear and bending my body and leaving trails
of kisses all over my skin. It makes me love this home that I live in. It makes
me so grateful for my body. It makes me feel like a work of art. It makes me
fall in love with every bit of flesh, every hair, every scar – Everything. This
is my temple and I’m finally on a journey to looking after it in the best way
that it deserves to be treated which is such an empowering feeling.
I have SO much more to say but, right now this feels like an
appropriate time to cease the tapping of my keyboard. I will be back when I
have the urge to write but until then; Never forget how truly magical you are.
You have the capability to do anything that you want to do. Other peoples
opinions are not facts. You are worth more than what you look like. The
goodness of your soul should always be the centre point of your existence. It’s
never too late to rewrite mistakes of the past and erupt your entire being with
goodness. We have all acted badly. We have all upset people. It does not make
you a bad person. It’s never too late to change things. I promise.
You are enough.
If you’ve made it to the end of this post then truly, thank
you.