Wednesday, 18 April 2018

being homeless

I have suddenly had the biggest urge to write. No, I don’t want to write about clothes or make-up or anything of materialistic sorts. I just want to write about me – All about me and what I’ve been up to. This is the time where a blogger would tell you to sit down, grab a coffee and a couple of biscuits as its gon’ be a long ride. However, I doubt it is even necessary for me to say that because who is gonna be sat reading this? I’ve been gone for so long and no, I am not opening this post with any promises of writing weekly or even monthly. Let’s just face facts – You may never hear off me again. I may simple vanish off the face of the earth and then holllllllla – It’s my 90th birthday bitches.

I have so much to tell you. Oh so much to talk about and without any doubt I will miss things off because I’m not writing a list or structuring this post; I’m going with the flow (kinda my mantra at the moment). Anyway, I guess it’s best to start off with where I’ve been and why my posts got so pathetically absent.

In October (last year) – I got made homeless. At the time, I was eighteen years old and it was the third time I have been made homeless. I’m sorry, can I hear a round of applause? I think it’s fucking fantastic. Homeless for the third time, WOOOOOO. What a bloody achievement, ay ay? Am I right, am I right? Of course, I’m right. You don’t get this kind of wisdom without being homeless for at least three times. It’s okay, if you’re jealous you can go right ahead and live in a cardboard box. I dare you. Right, back to my interesting story of homelessness. Of course, it was quite traumatic having to pack all of my belongings up into carrier bags but mostly, intensely mortifying (ugh). The weeks that followed consisted of sofa surfing and living out of a suitcase with clothes covered in cat shit and piss (yum). Honestly, if you’re running low on perfume, I would recommend getting some cats. There is nothing quite like the scent of cat urine. This homelessness went on for the space of a month and after three weeks I got so fucking mentally drained that I went to the doctors to be signed off work, I must mention that I categorically told him to not give me any pills of any sort (unless they were herbal lol). However, he insisted on giving me a prescription consisting of 14 diazepam’s. I sat there solemnly nodding my head (in the background you could just about hear violins playing) but, in my head I was just thinking “Mate, you should not give me these tablets”. Upon my last shift at work, I hid by my locker and literally just took all of the tablets (Please may I stress, I did not do this in a suicidal manor). I was just at a point in my life where I did not give a shit about anything and thought that it would be funny to see how fucked up I could get at work. There’s not much that I can really remember about that shift (I guess that’s the point) and I guess I was just very slow and tired. At this point I had nowhere to sofa surf and so the council put me up in a premier inn for a week. This was a very strange and almost unconscious week of my life. I was obviously signed off work so I spent my days just sat in a hotel room (I also wrote a lot). I had barley any money and so I wasn’t really eating – I was too anxious to leave the hotel room in the day time and so I would wait until it got dark at night and rush off to Tesco express and buy a meal deal (hahah). It’s literally just hit me in the face how hard of a time that must have been for me and I am so proud of myself for being strong and getting through it. I am also aware that there are A LOT of people worse off than me (people on the streets, people with no food etc) and so, I am still eternally grateful for this life that I have been blessed with. That week in the hotel room also did me the world of good for it was spent with me sleeping all day and reconnecting with my soul and also, facing my problems head on.

Halloween came which also meant payday and I managed to put a deposit down and pay the first month’s rent for a room in a house. This was such a huge achievement for me and again, I didn’t realise at the time just how strong and resilient I had been. The funny ending to this part of my story is that I had no one to help me move all of my stuff and so, I literally moved house in a taxi and it was fucking hilarious. I had two massive suitcases, two medium sized ones and a few bags (hahah, it still makes me smile to think of it). The taxi man turned up looking kind of pissed off but, I literally didn’t care. I sat there and kind of just looked out of the window and laughed about the fact that I was moving house in a taxi.

Since moving five months ago – A lot has happened. I guess that you could say I’ve begun the next chapter of my journey and it feels amazing. I have had a lot of highs and a lot of lows but, it is all part of the learning process to mould myself into the best version of myself that I can be. (I’m gonna go for a bath now but, I will be back soon).

I’m back. World announcement. Breaking news. Chloe is back from her bath!!

Okay, what I was saying is that I’ve had a lot of ups and downs these past five months. Nothing dramatic has particularly happened in my life during this time but, I think a lot of past emotions and events have unearthed themselves and have been brought to my consciousness. I wouldn’t say that this is a bad thing, I think that this is my bodies way of telling me “Okay, you’re strong enough to deal with this now”. Dealing with emotions is difficult for everybody, it’s a process of questioning yourself and answering yourself until you eventually figure things out. I don’t know why I’m finding this part so difficult to word – I think it might be because I’m listening to drum and bass and so I’m getting easily distracted haha.

I will try and talk about some of the easy stuff.

I turned nineteen this year and there is a deep part of me that is terrified about that but, at the same time I am just trying to accept it. The truth is that I don’t enjoy my birthdays – I never have. I can remember turning thirteen and crying (a reoccurring event on most birthdays). I don’t like the symbol of being a year older, I don’t like the idea that I am never going to be a certain age again (a lot of people probably feel like this). This is something that I really am trying to get over because I know that worrying about growing older just results in me not being in the present moment of being the age that I am now and living in that bliss.

Right, I am getting way too distracted by music so, I’m gonna come back and chat soon.

Hey, hey, hey – It’s three days later and I’m currently sat at the table in my moms house (a huge thing because we haven’t seen/spoken to each other in two years). This house is so nice, man. Its open plan with twirly metal stairs and a pointed roof that points into a window (I think it’s called a sun roof). I’m sat with candles burning around me, a few lamps are on and I’m listening to piano instrumentals. It’s amazing how a piece of music that has no words can hit you so deeply in the soul. I guess a sound can really scream out in sadness and wallow in pain. A sound can also screech in happiness and giggle along to the rhythms of your shaking laughing body. Music is fucking incredible. I love it.

Anyway, I’m going to try and get this post finished up and talk about some of the things that I’ve actually got up to this year.

In the space of three months I have had so many incredible experiences, I’ve been at the height of euphoria and the depths of depression due to serotonin being leached from my bones. I have seen colours that I haven’t seen before, I’ve seen things move that have never moved before. I’ve entered different dimensions and been on journeys through this spectacular universe. This planet puts me into a complete state of trance. The place we live is incredible. WE LIVE IN SPACE. We think we understand stuff just because we know that we need water, oxygen and food to survive but the fact of the matter is we know nothing. We know nothing!! There is something about that, that I find oddly satisfying. Our whole perception of reality is literally down to the consciousness of our minds and if that doesn’t scare you then you must be fearless because yes, it terrifies me but, it also fulfils me.

Other things that have happened is that I’ve turned vegan – It’s only been a few months but, I feel so empowered by it. I want to be the upmost compassionate and soft souled being that I have the capability to be and I know that if I’m going to do that then I cannot use my money to fund animal cruelty. I find it barbaric and unnecessary. I’m not trying to be a preacher and I honestly do not look down on anyone that eats meat as that is also part of me trying to be a compassionate person that respects everyone’s views and ways of life. I would never want to make a person feel bad for who they are.

I can’t concentrate right now because my little brother is sat next to me dipping pitta bread into hummus and asking me “Are you an author? You look like an author”. Chow belllllla.

I have also been doing A LOT of yoga and I’m really getting into the swing of it now. I understand how truly beautiful it is to connect with your breath and your body within a practice. The one thing that I love doing the most is wearing just underwear and bending my body and leaving trails of kisses all over my skin. It makes me love this home that I live in. It makes me so grateful for my body. It makes me feel like a work of art. It makes me fall in love with every bit of flesh, every hair, every scar – Everything. This is my temple and I’m finally on a journey to looking after it in the best way that it deserves to be treated which is such an empowering feeling.

I have SO much more to say but, right now this feels like an appropriate time to cease the tapping of my keyboard. I will be back when I have the urge to write but until then; Never forget how truly magical you are. You have the capability to do anything that you want to do. Other peoples opinions are not facts. You are worth more than what you look like. The goodness of your soul should always be the centre point of your existence. It’s never too late to rewrite mistakes of the past and erupt your entire being with goodness. We have all acted badly. We have all upset people. It does not make you a bad person. It’s never too late to change things. I promise.

You are enough.

If you’ve made it to the end of this post then truly, thank you.